The reader must be careful with the following text, for it is full of mistakes. Each sentence does not only describe a common mistake, but also
contains the described mistake. Enjoy.
How to write English
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Don't use
contractions in formal writing, and don't use no double negatives. It
is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms. Proofread carefully to see if
you words out or incorect speling. It has come to our considered
attention that in a large majority of cases, far too many people use a
great deal more words than is absolutely necessary when engaged in the
practice of writing sentences. If you reread your work, you can find
on rereading a great deal of redundant repetition can be removed and
eliminated by rereading and editing.
A writer must not shift your point of view. If the writer is
considerate of the reader, he won't have a problem with ambiguous
sentences. Don't write a run-on sentence its hard to read you must
punctuate it. If a dependent clause precedes an independent clause put
a comma after the dependent clause. But avoid commas, that are not
necessary, and don't overuse exclamation marks!!! Use the semicolon
properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it
isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its
not needed. In statements involving two word phrases, make an all out
effort to use hyphens, but make sure you hyp-
henate properly.
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Always pick on
the correct idiom. Avoid colloquial stuff, and trendy locutions that
sound flaky. Also, avoid all awkward or affected
alliteration. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. Beware of
and eschew pompous prolixity, and avoid the utilization of enlarged
words when shortened ones will do. Avoidification of neologisms
strengthenifies your prosification. Avoid using sesquipedalian
words. It is not resultful to transform one part of speech into
another by prefixing, suffixing, or other alterings. Perform a
functional iterative analysis on your work to root out third
generation transitional buzz words. Steer clear of incorrect forms of
verbs that have snuck into the language. The de facto use of foreign
phrases vis-a-vis plain English in your written tete-a-tetes makes the
sentence harder to understand.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular
nouns in their writing. Place pronouns as close as possible,
especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their
antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be
avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking
verb is. Write all adverbial forms correct. Verbs has to agree with
their subjects, and the adverb always follows the verb. This sentence
no verb. Which is not a complete sentence, but merely a subordinate
clause. A preposition is something you should never end a sentence
with. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
Last but not least, avoid dyed-in-the-wool cliches like the plague;
seek viable alternatives.
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NicolasTisserand? - 20 Oct 2003
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